I think, I act and I think again. I push myself forwards but again, I stop to think. I go to sleep, and even then, I think. Thinking has always been a fundamental part of me, stalking me, haunting me through days of joy, sorrow and wonder. Such an obnoxious, persistent mindset is a wondrous asset for the free mind in times of freedom but a violently detrimental hinderer for the obstructed mind in crucial times that beg for uninterrupted efficiency. My newly realigned goal and sole motivation is to achieve a state of absolute simpleness. At one point, this seemed impossible for me, for I've always had a natural tendency to view the world through a holistic, analytical lens, in an attempt to fully understand the dynamics to all aspects of human society. "Whenever a situation has the chance to complexify, it always will", I convinced myself, and thus followed my overwhelming sense of curiosity and commitment to this "everything-analysis". I must not begin to synthesize until a complete comprehension of every aspect in minuscule detail is acquired. Of course, this view may in theory be possible, but certainly impractical. With this sort of quagmire of thoughts always blockading my course of action, anticipated problems unavoidably began to transpire, necessitating a thorough re-evaluation of myself.
I began, and despite my change, still am set apart from peers for my particular attention to detail. My values of considering the entire circumstance before committing to action only forced me further into my personal corner. Communicating with others became more and more of a challenge for fear of misrepresentation. In the resultant strained relations, I couldn't get a read of others and others couldn't glimpse through that disguise of laughter into my inner personality - a stalemate of warring ideas, fighting to attract my attention, but all in vain. Simultaneously, I found ambiguous homework that only opened a partial outlet of thought increasingly tedious. They hampered my hopes of releasing my thoughts in its entirety. In any case, these two mediums both represent opportunities by which thoughts, the inward interaction of connections could be "outwardized" and shown off. Had my internalizations been provided with an effective and consistent means of outwardization, my distress could have been much more subdued. Instead, failed "outwardization" caused thoughts to stay within me, igniting a combustion reaction where reactants continually renew themselves. Communication and "outwardization" seemingly became an exercise in constipation, my system trying desperately to flush out, but the materials stubbornly and reluctantly staying in. I wanted my thoughts to flow, yet they maintained their rigid discipline. Soon, my rate of progression through tasks ground to a complete halt, while excessive energy progressively accumulated. The hard times were calling for methods of greater efficiency, and the future beckoned.
Eventually, even amidst the reluctance of my will, the times and influences induced a change in direction. Increased exposure to literature and art marked a significant shift in perspective. Literature unveiled and envisaged a beauty of the natural that is too often neglected or forgotten when trekking through the dangers and hardships of ordinary life. The hardness and utilitarian nature of our full immersion into material issues, that is our regular life, too often diverts our attention from the harmonious existance of the environment around us. I enjoyed the abstractness so deeply hidden into the roots of literary works. Complimentarily, observing nature induced a similar desire to achieve the simpleness of mind that has become such an elusive draw of my life. Long walks alone through the park weaved a cloak of tranquility around me. A clear green expanse staring back at me reinforced by auras of silence and nothingness massaged away troubles and reassured me. At once, I saw a world where simplicity dominates, rendering futile any attempts made at establishing completeness in organization. Even science literature revealed a reduction to simplicity deeply entrenched into the fabric of nature. Physical laws yield a richness about the texture of reality, but also explains this as arising from a remarkable simpleness in the structure of reality. Realizing limits and constraints to even the most persistent of goals lends itself to a satisfaction based purely upon appreciating existentialism.
This abrupt change of philosophy marked a significant shift in the outlook and perspective I held towards the world. I saw that, for the first time, my pressures were directly a consequence of my own paranoia and my, in hindsight, naively puerile notions about how an individual should best traverse the course of their lives. This marked a revolution in my values and principles of life. I now see the world through an incredibly different lens. There in front of me lay a miraculous image of a world where there existed a remarkable beauty to the concise. It came as a stunning realization to me that my previous inability to experience this new nature was one of imposed self-will. Sometimes, life's struggles serve as a learning checkpoint, a ground for the development and implementation of new strategies. Thus, changing personal philosophies and principles from which we operate serves an effective means by which to overcome challenges.
